Winnie the Pooh Bear for 2011

Ok, it has been awhile.  For some reason, my A.D.D. has slowed down, and the trains that run thru my mind have been pretty much staying in their normal tracks. It also means that the voices inside of my head have not been so loud lately.   And yes, the voices that I hear inside of my head don't scare me nowhere near like the voices I hear from your head. However, sometimes an unexpected delivery is made with no return address...

One evening, as my dear wife Kristin and I are watching TV, there was a commercial for Winnie the Pooh.  Remember the unexpected delivery above?  It suddenly occurred to me that Winnie the Pooh needed to be rewritten to match the reality of our modern day. Suddenly my A.D.D. kicked in and I thought;

Winnie the Pooh will be sent to court ordered rehab.  Something to do with his severe long term addiction to honey. 

Eeyore the donkey, who happens to be gloomy and depressed all the time.  The problem is that with that long term gloominess and depression calls for some extreme medication. But not to fear, there are plenty of drugs that we can give Eeyore, such as Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft and others.

Tigger.  He is too wound up, and talk about HADD!!  For him, things like Ritalin and Valium will be a must.

Piglet.  Our own cute little Piglet, the only one that has seen a real Heffalump.  I don't know about you, but I lived my teens in the 70's, and I got to see some fun things like music floating thru the air,etc.  Never did see any Heffalumps, I don't think I ever did that much acid then.  Of course, maybe Piglet is having some flashbacks due to some serious recreational neuro enhancers?

Rabbit.  What can we say about him?  As they describe him at www.just-pooh.com "He is very particular about his garden and won’t allow even his best friends in when he is at work within his garden. He also displays certain reluctance when any newcomer is visiting him;"  Not only does that describe him as a capitalist pig who probably is listed in the G-20 rosters, but he is also a paranoid survivalist.  Let's face it, he grows his own food and lives in a hole in the ground; or is it a bunker?  I wonder what else he has in there?

Kanga and Roo.  The only female that lives in the 100 Acres Woods.  Sort of like the Smurfette in The Smurfs.  Only difference is that Kanga got pregnant and had a child.  Kanga, the slut of the woods. I know, so is Smurfette, but she did not get pregnant!

Owl.  The smartest animal in the 100 Acres Woods.  He is the one that everyone else goes to when they need to figure something out.  Sort of like the Professor on Gilligan's Island.  But for 2011, Owl would be the tenured liberal professor at the University that loves to teach 60's tripe that has no effect on reality.

Gopher.  He is a bricklayer (mason), builder, excavation and demolition expert.  He lives in tunnels under the 100 Acres Woods.  He is often seen with his helmet and toolbox, and he loves dynamite.  A construction worker, so that would make him a union member. The fact that he lives in tunnels and loves dynamite makes him a damn terrorist.  He is the freeking leader of the Al-Gopher terrorist movement.  I bet he is the one that recruited the gopher in Caddyshack!!!

Heffalump. A creature that was imagined by Piglet.  Remember kids, you should say NO to drugs. Also remember, that drugs will get you thru times of no money better than money will get you thru times of no drugs.

Christopher Robin.  What can I say about young Master Robin?  He helps Pooh find his honey.  He is a drug dealer.  He is always helping the other animals when they get in trouble, so he is taking the role of the nanny government agent.  He lives behind a green door in the woods, so like our power hungry politicians and CEO's, he will not live with the rest of the populace that he controls.

And there you have it folks, the 2011 politically correct version of Winnie the Pooh.

Racial Stuff

Things that my mind comes up with after working a 12-hour split shift.

As I stated earlier, I am whiter than the Grand Wizard of the Klukers. But since I was born in the Puerto Rico, I am considered a minority. Some time ago, I was telling my wife that I wanted to expand on this issue a little more with our kids. You know, the whole crap with the public schools about making sure that the schools are "socio-economically" equal. Socio-economically equal my left nut!!!

Sorry, little anti PC rant there. Anyway, because I am a "Can", my kids are considered a minority. Hey skool system, just because their last names are Spanish does not mean that they have to be automatically placed for ESL (English as a Segundo Lenguaje) testing.

My father in law is of Irish descent, and my mother in law is of Swedish descent. Now here is the real fun part with the PC crap. Technically, my wife is Taiwanese/Chinese. She was born in Taipei, the capital of Taiwan. And under international law, she is technically a Taiwanese/Chinese citizen.

After adding all of these things up, I came to the conclusion that our kids are Puerto Rican-Chinese-Irish-Swedish-Americans. The skool board has no idea where to place them for racial equality, gotta love it. Now, since Puerto Ricans (as all Hispanics) are drunks, and the Irish are also drunks; guess the kids will be sots after all. And the Chinese part of not being able to drive worth a crap, damn, my insurance rates will go thru the roof when they start to drive!!! And lets not forget the Swedish part of their heritage. No habla Ingles, drinking, no driving, meatball cooking fools.

I wonder what type of government assistance I can try to get from the Feds by claiming all this racial mixing with my kids.

The Nicest People on Earth

And who dare pray would be referred to as the nicest people or country on Earth?  Our lovely neighbors to the north, the Canadians.  And how 'bout that Stanley Cup playoffs?  The US won.  Of course, our nicest people on Earth neighbors decided they needed to riot to show their disappointment in loosing the Stanley Cup to the yahoos in the US. 

So you see, they are just as rude and volatile as we are.  And don't forget all those lovely G-20 riots that they love to throw every time they meet in Canada. 

Joy Riding Aliens

Can someone explain to me how is it that I can get dirty looks from my lovely wife by watching National Geographic or The History Channel?  Maybe it is the comments that I make during the shows.

The other night, we were watching a show about aliens from space, not Mexico or Canada.  The main topic was the Roswell incident.  They were talking about the supposed crash of the alien UFO, and how the military got involved.  While the show goes on to tell us about the debris field, the items that were collected, the "strange characters" that were found etched on some metal; I got to thinking. 

After watching the show and seeing all they had to offer, I came to the conclusion that the Roswell incident was nothing more than intergalactic teens that were out joyriding in their parent's UFO.  Think about it.  It occurred in a remote area, no one was notified, and all that was found was just pieces.  Yes, it was teen aliens that crashed and then took off.  Or is it that the aliens are using our planet as main drag?  After all, how many UFO sightings have been reported in the last 50 years?  And why is it that it always involves more than 1 UFO?  Drag racing aliens.  How else can you explain the speed and the maneuvers that they do?

Yep, the little darlings are using our planet as their "out in the middle of nowhere" place to do their drag racing.  And just like down here, where are the cops when the kids are out racing? 

She keeps telling me something about the reason she made this blog for me. 

My Wife Said This Is Why She Made Me A Blog

My latest Canadian Conspiracy, part IV...

I am watching the History Channel. Yes, the History Channel. It is a new episode about Big Foot: The Definitive Guide. You know, as in Harry and The Henderson's movie (damn, I am that old). Big Foot, the big ole hairy-knuckle dragging-no thinkin' redneck...sorry, I was thinking about the John Boy and Billy radio show.

Anyhow, Big Foot is also known as Sasquatch. And you may be wondering, how does this tie with the Great Canadian Conspiracy? I made to comment to my lovely wife Kristin, that since Big Foot is also known as Sasquatch, if Big Foot is really from Saskatchewan. As in Saskatchewan, Canada. While watching the TV show, they mentioned that the sightings of Big Foot are concentrated in Oregon, Washington state, Idaho and western Montana; stretching up into Western Canada. Of course,all these sightings started to occur after WWII. This was around the same time that the little brown skinned folks started to migrate north into the US. I guess that the Canadians decided to hide the Sasquatches, so they would not scare the hell out of the Mexicans that made it into Canada.

Of course, by having the Sasquatches migrate from Saskatchewan into the woods of Oregon and Washington state, they are causing havoc among the locals. Think about it. A bunch of white folks talking about seeing Big Foot in the woods. A big ole hairy ape thingamajig. Right! How much have you been drinking while out in the woods? Why is is that there are no reported sightings of Sasquatch in Canada? Because they want the US folks to look like a bunch of crazy demented yahoos. That is why. Then, they will gladly step in and publicly offer to help us with their Universal Health Care for mental patients, the Canadian internet pharmacies, Chrysler cars, and Moose Head beer. Sneaky eh?

Sasquatch, Saskatchewan, Justin Bieber (yes, another Cannuck). Are they related? Is it a coincidence that Sasquatch and Saskatchewan sound so similar alike? Is there a reason that Justin Bieber is on this list? Yes, because his original hairstyle was so floppy and long haired, that he could have looked like a well groomed teen medium foot. Not a Big Foot, he is not old enough yet.

The Great Canadian Conspiracy Part I lost track

So, I have decided to come back to share my warped musings with the rest of you.

A few weeks ago, there was the announcement that Chrysler was going to pay off the loans to the governments. The governments? I thought that we only had one government at our federal level. Then they said, that Chrysler was going to pay off the loans to the US and the CANADIAN governments. That is right, our soda cracker neighbors to our north. How much more proof do we need that the Canadians are out to get us? And speaking of Chrysler...

About a month or so ago, there was a special on one of the news channel about the US car industry. They were talking about the Dodge Challenger. Yes, that beautiful piece of old fashioned US muscle car nostalgia of the 60's and 70's. The beautiful 2011 Dodge (as in Chrysler) Challenger SRT8, 392 cid displacement Hemi V-8 putting out an awesome 470 horses with a 6 speed manual transmission. As Tim Taylor would have said on Tool Time, argh argh argh!!! It turns out that my beloved wet dream of a car to buy when I win the lottery is not a US car. No, it is a Mexicadian car. Yes, I said Mexicadian!!! All the parts are made in Mexico, including the vaunted Hemi motor. Then, they are shipped to guess where? That is right, Canada. The put it together, then they bring it south into the US dealerships. What else can I say?

Mexicadian. Yes, go ahead an look at the migration patterns from Mexico. They are going north. Of course, I would not want to live in a desert either. Yes friends, I tried to warn you about Dora the Explorer, always having to go north.

The Great Canadian Conspiracy part ii of a whole bunch

Back to my great Canadian Conspiracy. In today's episode, we will cover some of the Canadian TV shows that are being aired in the US. Today, I will educate you about the ways they (you know who) is encouraging illegal immigration, and keeping us from developing our own oil fields.

Let us start with that little sweet darling, Dora the Explorer. And what kind of things does little Dora do to push the conspiracy mold?

• It was originally created by Nelvana, a Canadian company that specializes in (ready for this?) kids show. Of course, some years ago, when I developed my theory, Dora was still listed in the Nelvana web site. They have since licensed it to Nickleodeon, so it is now a US produced show. This is called "Plausible Deniability".
• Sweet Dora likes to teach all the kiddies to say things in Spanish. Now my being Puerto Rican I thought that was cool. Then it hit me. With the exception of two countries, all countries in the Western Hemisphere have an official language. The US does not have one. Guess which country has 2 official languages? Hint; they play a lot of hockey. So they figured that if it is OK for Canada to be bilingual, why not the US? That has lead to pressure against all "English Only" legislation in the US.
  
• That cute as a bug Dora goes on a trip during every episode. And during each trip, she always looks at her map. Whatever the destination of the episode is, it is always at the top of the map. Folks, the top of all maps are always labeled NORTH!!! Dora is trying to figure out the way north.
• In each episode, they must travel north, and she always has a river or a lake as an obstacle on the way north. Coincidence? I think not.
• When she gets to the river, she always runs into Swiper. Swiper is a fox. The Spanish word fox is Coyote. Are you folks figuring this stuff out? Coyotes are the name for the folks that help smuggle folks across the border.
  
• Then there was the latest Dora movie, "Dora Saves the Snow Princess". There is no snow in Mexico. She had to travel all the way north to the snowy place in Canada to save the Snow Princess. Canada is still a member of the British Commonwealth, so they have regal titles. Why the hell you think it is called the Royal Canadian Air Force?
  

So you see, the Canadians want real cheap labor, so that they can get rid of some of their union wages. But they have a problem in bringing Mexican labor in. It is called this little obstacle known as the United States.

Just look at the immigration patterns over the last 20 years or so--Miami and Florida do not count, since they are a territory of Cuba--They all started along the Rio Grande. According to the latest censure figures, the Hispanic population is growing toward the North, toward Canada. In some places in Washington State, the Hispanic population is past 17%. Remember my last post, about the majority of the Canuks living within 100 miles of the US border? Do you think Pedro wants to go all the way to Yukon? If white folks don't want to populate that cold place, what makes you think that the 'Cans want to be there?

Not only that, but are you aware that the US/Canada border is an open border? People, wake up and smell the shit. Farts do smell like shit. We should militarize the northern border. Canadians are very hard to tell apart. The are white, and speak English. Illegals from the South are short, brown and no habla!!!

But don't worry, I understand, and I really cannot stand illegal immigration. We can start with the US/Canadian border, so that the inbred lunatic fringe cannot accuse me of favoritism toward the Hispanics. Do you folks remember this thing that was called "The Iron Curtain"? In the 30+ years that the Iron Curtain was up, very few folks were able to get across to freedom. I saw the Inter-German border in the 70's, and it was something I will never forget. 10 meter tall fences leaning toward the inside, mine fields, trip wire shotguns, manned posts with orders to shoot to kill.

The Berlin Wall had a 10ft diameter pipe on top, so that if a person on the East managed to climb to the top, they could not get their arms over the top.

So I got to thinking, how about we build our own wall? We can hire the former East German Border Police and they will go a great job. It will take some time to retrain them, that their job is to keep folks from coming inside the country; leaving is OK. But how will we pay for it? Easy. Just use illegal migrant workers. They will do the job faster, and bring it under budget.

Then we can get them to build the wall on the southern side. We can hire them as border patrol for a lot less. And if anyone gets across the border while they are on duty; we deport the guard. That should be one hell of an incentive.

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We have all been told that we cannot drill for oil in the ANWR, because there is no way to do it and maintain the environment. If we drill for oil, we will kill the Moose (if the plural of mouse is mice, will the plural of moose be moice?), kill the baby seals (never mind the fact that baby seals are the favorite snack of the polar bear) and destroy everything in that pristine land. And along comes,

Ice Road Truckers

The story of a bunch of Canadian (of course) truckers that drive the most treacherous roads to supply the work sites in the great north. During Season I we learned that the sneaky Canucks have one hell of a diamond and gold mine way up there in the great north. During Season II, they were driving up to an oil field in the Arctic. Just remember that part, an oil field in the Arctic, where they are not killing the moose, the baby seals and the bald eagles. I will get to this on a later rant.

Now that they are on Season III, we find the Canadian truck drivers working where? Alaska. So the average person in the US bitches-moans-groans about Mexicans taking jobs at McDonald's and Bojangles, but no one says a thing about white Canadian taking jobs from the US (such as GM-Ford-Chrysler Canada, Life Savers, et al). The have yet to show on the show if Alex and Hugh have the proper paperwork to work in the US. I wonder if Carlisle Trucking had to report Alex and Hugh to ICE for employment. So they will make over $120,000 for the season, US money that will go to CANADA, not Mexico, blah blah blah.

Of course, since they are making the runs to the oil fields in Prudhoe Bay, it would not surprise me if they are acting as agents of the Canadian Security Intelligence Service; giving them information about our oil fields. That information will be used by the Canadian oil companies to stay ahead of the US in Arctic oil drilling, and to keep our pussyticians-sorry, politicians from allowing us to drill for oil.

So now we know that Canada has the largest gold and diamond mine in the Western Hemisphere, and that they are allowed to drill for oil in the vast environmentally sensitive Arctic waste lands, and we cannot mine for gold or drill for oil the way they are. And they don't want us to. After all, who do you think is the biggest importer of crude oil to the US? Saudi Arabia? Nope, they are 3rd. Kuwait? Even though we saved their asses, not even close; 13th. Mexico? No way Jose. The are the 2nd largest importer of oil, and the 1st major importer of non-white labor to the us. Even though that crazy lovable Hugo Chavez from Venezuela hates the US, he sure loves the petro dollar, since they are sitting in 4th place. Nigeria is 1st in bank scam letters, and 5th in oil imports. So who is the largest importer of crude oil to the US? Well, it ain't the sand bunnies, and it ain't the 'Cans (remember Mexican). So I wonder, who could it be (a la church lady)? Could it be......Canada? Yes, Canada. land of the great white north. Land of the American Bald Eagle.

Stay tuned, as I continue releasing the Great Canadian Conspiracy. Just remember, if it looks like I committed suicide, it was the Canadian Security Intelligence Service that was behind it all.