Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Winnie the Pooh Bear for 2011

Ok, it has been awhile.  For some reason, my A.D.D. has slowed down, and the trains that run thru my mind have been pretty much staying in their normal tracks. It also means that the voices inside of my head have not been so loud lately.   And yes, the voices that I hear inside of my head don't scare me nowhere near like the voices I hear from your head. However, sometimes an unexpected delivery is made with no return address...

One evening, as my dear wife Kristin and I are watching TV, there was a commercial for Winnie the Pooh.  Remember the unexpected delivery above?  It suddenly occurred to me that Winnie the Pooh needed to be rewritten to match the reality of our modern day. Suddenly my A.D.D. kicked in and I thought;

Winnie the Pooh will be sent to court ordered rehab.  Something to do with his severe long term addiction to honey. 

Eeyore the donkey, who happens to be gloomy and depressed all the time.  The problem is that with that long term gloominess and depression calls for some extreme medication. But not to fear, there are plenty of drugs that we can give Eeyore, such as Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft and others.

Tigger.  He is too wound up, and talk about HADD!!  For him, things like Ritalin and Valium will be a must.

Piglet.  Our own cute little Piglet, the only one that has seen a real Heffalump.  I don't know about you, but I lived my teens in the 70's, and I got to see some fun things like music floating thru the air,etc.  Never did see any Heffalumps, I don't think I ever did that much acid then.  Of course, maybe Piglet is having some flashbacks due to some serious recreational neuro enhancers?

Rabbit.  What can we say about him?  As they describe him at www.just-pooh.com "He is very particular about his garden and won’t allow even his best friends in when he is at work within his garden. He also displays certain reluctance when any newcomer is visiting him;"  Not only does that describe him as a capitalist pig who probably is listed in the G-20 rosters, but he is also a paranoid survivalist.  Let's face it, he grows his own food and lives in a hole in the ground; or is it a bunker?  I wonder what else he has in there?

Kanga and Roo.  The only female that lives in the 100 Acres Woods.  Sort of like the Smurfette in The Smurfs.  Only difference is that Kanga got pregnant and had a child.  Kanga, the slut of the woods. I know, so is Smurfette, but she did not get pregnant!

Owl.  The smartest animal in the 100 Acres Woods.  He is the one that everyone else goes to when they need to figure something out.  Sort of like the Professor on Gilligan's Island.  But for 2011, Owl would be the tenured liberal professor at the University that loves to teach 60's tripe that has no effect on reality.

Gopher.  He is a bricklayer (mason), builder, excavation and demolition expert.  He lives in tunnels under the 100 Acres Woods.  He is often seen with his helmet and toolbox, and he loves dynamite.  A construction worker, so that would make him a union member. The fact that he lives in tunnels and loves dynamite makes him a damn terrorist.  He is the freeking leader of the Al-Gopher terrorist movement.  I bet he is the one that recruited the gopher in Caddyshack!!!

Heffalump. A creature that was imagined by Piglet.  Remember kids, you should say NO to drugs. Also remember, that drugs will get you thru times of no money better than money will get you thru times of no drugs.

Christopher Robin.  What can I say about young Master Robin?  He helps Pooh find his honey.  He is a drug dealer.  He is always helping the other animals when they get in trouble, so he is taking the role of the nanny government agent.  He lives behind a green door in the woods, so like our power hungry politicians and CEO's, he will not live with the rest of the populace that he controls.

And there you have it folks, the 2011 politically correct version of Winnie the Pooh.


  1. Bwahahahahaha...but, I beg to differ. I think Rabbit is probably OCD...and,it's not HADD. It's ADHD

  2. HA! I always imagined Winnie the Pooh as something of the neighborhood pervert. I mean, he was always running around in a short shirt, no pants, his best friend was a little boy, and he was always running around trying to stick his hands in someone else's honey pot. The freak. :)