Sunday, April 8, 2012

The Easter Bunny

I hope that everyone had a great Easter weekend. I am sure that some of us made the sunrise service. As I got to thinking about Easter, it dawned on me...

-The Easter Bunny. We all know that the bunny does not lay eggs. The only mammal that lays eggs is the ducked billed platypus. Remember, that the Christian faith was being implemented by Emperor Constantine, and that they were using a lot of the "old" ways and beliefs to bring the pagans into the faith. Now, we want the children to believe, so why don't we bribe them with candy and colored eggs? But someone needs to bring them the candy, how about the Easter Platypus? After all, he can lay the eggs that will be colored and delivered.

While we are at it, have you really seen a platypus? That is a face that only a mother can love!!!
Of course, good ole' Constantine shit the proverbial brick, and said that he did not want to scare the kids. How about a nice fluffy bunny?

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Towing TV

One of the nice things about working the night shift is that after 3 am or so it tends to get very quiet. That means that we have some great choices from the free basic cable that we get at work.

Lately, True TV has been doing their ads for the new season of Operation Repo. The one in LA, where a family of Mexican Americans go out usually at night and take your vehicle.

Now, True TV is also going to start a new show. And it is very different from Operation Repo. South Beach Tow is about a bunch of Cuban Americans that own a repo company, and go around towing your vehicle when you are nowhere near it.

Am I missing something in this line-up? What, are Hispanics the only ones that go around taking cars that don't belong to them? Ok, I will give you the one about why do Hispanics drive cars with little steering wheels...So that we can use the steering wheel while wearing our handcuffs...

I have an idea for True TV. How about South Central Gang? You can follow the main gangs in South Central LA on weekend nights, and see their actions as they go from drive by to drive by.

Of course, in order to keep up with South Beach Tow, they will have something like Miami Eses.

But what is the choice? White people shoping? White people congress?

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Winnie the Pooh Bear for 2011

Ok, it has been awhile.  For some reason, my A.D.D. has slowed down, and the trains that run thru my mind have been pretty much staying in their normal tracks. It also means that the voices inside of my head have not been so loud lately.   And yes, the voices that I hear inside of my head don't scare me nowhere near like the voices I hear from your head. However, sometimes an unexpected delivery is made with no return address...

One evening, as my dear wife Kristin and I are watching TV, there was a commercial for Winnie the Pooh.  Remember the unexpected delivery above?  It suddenly occurred to me that Winnie the Pooh needed to be rewritten to match the reality of our modern day. Suddenly my A.D.D. kicked in and I thought;

Winnie the Pooh will be sent to court ordered rehab.  Something to do with his severe long term addiction to honey. 

Eeyore the donkey, who happens to be gloomy and depressed all the time.  The problem is that with that long term gloominess and depression calls for some extreme medication. But not to fear, there are plenty of drugs that we can give Eeyore, such as Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft and others.

Tigger.  He is too wound up, and talk about HADD!!  For him, things like Ritalin and Valium will be a must.

Piglet.  Our own cute little Piglet, the only one that has seen a real Heffalump.  I don't know about you, but I lived my teens in the 70's, and I got to see some fun things like music floating thru the air,etc.  Never did see any Heffalumps, I don't think I ever did that much acid then.  Of course, maybe Piglet is having some flashbacks due to some serious recreational neuro enhancers?

Rabbit.  What can we say about him?  As they describe him at "He is very particular about his garden and won’t allow even his best friends in when he is at work within his garden. He also displays certain reluctance when any newcomer is visiting him;"  Not only does that describe him as a capitalist pig who probably is listed in the G-20 rosters, but he is also a paranoid survivalist.  Let's face it, he grows his own food and lives in a hole in the ground; or is it a bunker?  I wonder what else he has in there?

Kanga and Roo.  The only female that lives in the 100 Acres Woods.  Sort of like the Smurfette in The Smurfs.  Only difference is that Kanga got pregnant and had a child.  Kanga, the slut of the woods. I know, so is Smurfette, but she did not get pregnant!

Owl.  The smartest animal in the 100 Acres Woods.  He is the one that everyone else goes to when they need to figure something out.  Sort of like the Professor on Gilligan's Island.  But for 2011, Owl would be the tenured liberal professor at the University that loves to teach 60's tripe that has no effect on reality.

Gopher.  He is a bricklayer (mason), builder, excavation and demolition expert.  He lives in tunnels under the 100 Acres Woods.  He is often seen with his helmet and toolbox, and he loves dynamite.  A construction worker, so that would make him a union member. The fact that he lives in tunnels and loves dynamite makes him a damn terrorist.  He is the freeking leader of the Al-Gopher terrorist movement.  I bet he is the one that recruited the gopher in Caddyshack!!!

Heffalump. A creature that was imagined by Piglet.  Remember kids, you should say NO to drugs. Also remember, that drugs will get you thru times of no money better than money will get you thru times of no drugs.

Christopher Robin.  What can I say about young Master Robin?  He helps Pooh find his honey.  He is a drug dealer.  He is always helping the other animals when they get in trouble, so he is taking the role of the nanny government agent.  He lives behind a green door in the woods, so like our power hungry politicians and CEO's, he will not live with the rest of the populace that he controls.

And there you have it folks, the 2011 politically correct version of Winnie the Pooh.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Racial Stuff

Things that my mind comes up with after working a 12-hour split shift.

As I stated earlier, I am whiter than the Grand Wizard of the Klukers. But since I was born in the Puerto Rico, I am considered a minority. Some time ago, I was telling my wife that I wanted to expand on this issue a little more with our kids. You know, the whole crap with the public schools about making sure that the schools are "socio-economically" equal. Socio-economically equal my left nut!!!

Sorry, little anti PC rant there. Anyway, because I am a "Can", my kids are considered a minority. Hey skool system, just because their last names are Spanish does not mean that they have to be automatically placed for ESL (English as a Segundo Lenguaje) testing.

My father in law is of Irish descent, and my mother in law is of Swedish descent. Now here is the real fun part with the PC crap. Technically, my wife is Taiwanese/Chinese. She was born in Taipei, the capital of Taiwan. And under international law, she is technically a Taiwanese/Chinese citizen.

After adding all of these things up, I came to the conclusion that our kids are Puerto Rican-Chinese-Irish-Swedish-Americans. The skool board has no idea where to place them for racial equality, gotta love it. Now, since Puerto Ricans (as all Hispanics) are drunks, and the Irish are also drunks; guess the kids will be sots after all. And the Chinese part of not being able to drive worth a crap, damn, my insurance rates will go thru the roof when they start to drive!!! And lets not forget the Swedish part of their heritage. No habla Ingles, drinking, no driving, meatball cooking fools.

I wonder what type of government assistance I can try to get from the Feds by claiming all this racial mixing with my kids.

Friday, June 24, 2011

The Nicest People on Earth

And who dare pray would be referred to as the nicest people or country on Earth?  Our lovely neighbors to the north, the Canadians.  And how 'bout that Stanley Cup playoffs?  The US won.  Of course, our nicest people on Earth neighbors decided they needed to riot to show their disappointment in loosing the Stanley Cup to the yahoos in the US. 

So you see, they are just as rude and volatile as we are.  And don't forget all those lovely G-20 riots that they love to throw every time they meet in Canada. 

Monday, June 6, 2011

Joy Riding Aliens

Can someone explain to me how is it that I can get dirty looks from my lovely wife by watching National Geographic or The History Channel?  Maybe it is the comments that I make during the shows.

The other night, we were watching a show about aliens from space, not Mexico or Canada.  The main topic was the Roswell incident.  They were talking about the supposed crash of the alien UFO, and how the military got involved.  While the show goes on to tell us about the debris field, the items that were collected, the "strange characters" that were found etched on some metal; I got to thinking. 

After watching the show and seeing all they had to offer, I came to the conclusion that the Roswell incident was nothing more than intergalactic teens that were out joyriding in their parent's UFO.  Think about it.  It occurred in a remote area, no one was notified, and all that was found was just pieces.  Yes, it was teen aliens that crashed and then took off.  Or is it that the aliens are using our planet as main drag?  After all, how many UFO sightings have been reported in the last 50 years?  And why is it that it always involves more than 1 UFO?  Drag racing aliens.  How else can you explain the speed and the maneuvers that they do?

Yep, the little darlings are using our planet as their "out in the middle of nowhere" place to do their drag racing.  And just like down here, where are the cops when the kids are out racing? 

She keeps telling me something about the reason she made this blog for me. 

Friday, May 27, 2011

My Wife Said This Is Why She Made Me A Blog

My latest Canadian Conspiracy, part IV...

I am watching the History Channel. Yes, the History Channel. It is a new episode about Big Foot: The Definitive Guide. You know, as in Harry and The Henderson's movie (damn, I am that old). Big Foot, the big ole hairy-knuckle dragging-no thinkin' redneck...sorry, I was thinking about the John Boy and Billy radio show.

Anyhow, Big Foot is also known as Sasquatch. And you may be wondering, how does this tie with the Great Canadian Conspiracy? I made to comment to my lovely wife Kristin, that since Big Foot is also known as Sasquatch, if Big Foot is really from Saskatchewan. As in Saskatchewan, Canada. While watching the TV show, they mentioned that the sightings of Big Foot are concentrated in Oregon, Washington state, Idaho and western Montana; stretching up into Western Canada. Of course,all these sightings started to occur after WWII. This was around the same time that the little brown skinned folks started to migrate north into the US. I guess that the Canadians decided to hide the Sasquatches, so they would not scare the hell out of the Mexicans that made it into Canada.

Of course, by having the Sasquatches migrate from Saskatchewan into the woods of Oregon and Washington state, they are causing havoc among the locals. Think about it. A bunch of white folks talking about seeing Big Foot in the woods. A big ole hairy ape thingamajig. Right! How much have you been drinking while out in the woods? Why is is that there are no reported sightings of Sasquatch in Canada? Because they want the US folks to look like a bunch of crazy demented yahoos. That is why. Then, they will gladly step in and publicly offer to help us with their Universal Health Care for mental patients, the Canadian internet pharmacies, Chrysler cars, and Moose Head beer. Sneaky eh?

Sasquatch, Saskatchewan, Justin Bieber (yes, another Cannuck). Are they related? Is it a coincidence that Sasquatch and Saskatchewan sound so similar alike? Is there a reason that Justin Bieber is on this list? Yes, because his original hairstyle was so floppy and long haired, that he could have looked like a well groomed teen medium foot. Not a Big Foot, he is not old enough yet.